Tales of the Parodyverse

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L!
Thu Aug 24, 2006 at 08:02:55 pm EDT
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Milo Walters, Henchmen for Hire #3
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Milo Walters, Henchmen for Hire #3


"I'm an Eggman"


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"Thank you for calling the Hero Elimination Revenge Project Extermination Squad hotline! Your call may be monitored for training purposes and/or just because we feel like it. If you accidently called this number thinking you this was a hotline about Genital and/or Oral Herpes, please press 1 now & it will connect you with your local health professional, you filthy whore! If your calling because your family is being threatened by one of our Agents & your calling in the ransom, please press 2 now! If you calling about the free car giveaway, please press 3 now! If your a H.E.R.P.E.S. Agent & are calling in a complainant, please press 4 now & we promise your death will be quick! If your calling about employment opportunities here at H.E.R.P.E.S., please press 5 now! If your a Double Agent & are calling in info on our enemies, please press 6 now! If your looking for instructions on how to turn off the death ray, please press 7 now! If you want to become a part of the H.E.R.P.E.S. fan club, please press 8 now! If none of these choices are why you called, please press 9 now & hold on the line while you are redirected to a Customer Service Representative!"

Milo sighed, thought about pressing 5 but pressed 9. The Phone rang for a few moments & then Milo heard: "Please continue to stay on the line. All our Customer Service Representatives are currently unavailable to take your call. Your call is important us & will be answered in the order it was received. Estimated wait time is 20 minutes." Then, Milo heard the opening cords of Nena's "99 Luftballons", in it's original german, started to play.

Milo sighed as he sat there in his bright yellow cubical listening to a song about balloons which end up triggering WWIII. He sat there in his Official Crime Chicken Incorporated Egg Costume. At that moment, he felt that this was officially the lowest point in his life. He didn't take three years of Henching at Walcott Community College to be dressed up as an Egg. But, maybe he did? He had been dressed up as variety of embarrassing things over his career. Every Villain has their gimmick & much like the bridesmaids at a wedding, the Henchmen are always are wearing the worst thing imaginable to tie into that theme.

As the song went into the 3rd verse, Milo began to be pelted by small wads of paper. Milo knew who they were from, Johnson in the cubicle next door. Milo had got to know him quite well in the few weeks Milo had been there. Milo knew that Johnson was a 35 year old virgin you lived with flatulent, over weight Mother & has a somewhat unhealthy obsession with Enormous Irma. Johnson also liked to spend most of his day doing 3 things: 1. Hanging out by the copier talking to whom ever comes close. 2. Searching for a obscure 1950's Swedish Porn that stars Goats & 3. Talking to Milo.

Milo pushed back his chair & out of his cubicle so that he may see Johnson (also in an Egg costume) face to face.

"Yes?"

"Hey, Milo. Check this out!" Johnson said & started to turn his screen towards Milo.

Milo put his arm over his eyes. "It's not Porn. Is it?"

"No. I know you don't like that stuff. I found a fan site to the Boss."

Milo looked & yes it was a fan site to the Crime Chicken. Milo thought the person who put this together needed to get a life. Who in their right mind photoshops themselves into a pictures with a middle-aged man wearing a chicken costume? Milo began to searched over the site, there was nothing better to do. Every time Milo has called H.E.R.P.E.S.: they always take an hour to get back to him.

"Wigwam!" The middle-aged voice of Milo's Boss voice squawked.

Milo had learned that the Crime Chicken never remembers anyone's name & you just have to assume he's talking to you.

"Yes, Your Poultrness." Milo said as stood up & gave the Chicken salute.

"Has H.E.R.P.E.S. given you an answer to the question I asked?" The Crime Chicken asked from his perch about his employees.

"No, sir. I'm only hold."

"Oh. Very well, carry on." The Felonious Fowl said & turned his attentions to other things.

Milo sat back down & went back to search the site. The Crime Chicken has had a few somewhat humorous meetings with the law & also with the Super Hero Community. There was the time he claimed to have killed the Lynchpin of Crime, the time he want to turn Parrodipolis Harbor into the biggest bowl of Chicken Noodle soup or the time He attempted to kill a bus full of Nuns, but was defeated by spiffy.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" a voice said from Milo's desk.

Milo pushed his chair back to his cubicle & picked up the phone. "Yes."

"What might H.E.R.P.E.S. help you with today?"

"I'm calling on be half of the Crime Chicken.."

"Who?" The H.E.R.P.E.S. agent interrupted.

"The Crime Chicken. Mid-Level Crime Lord of Parrodipolis. Marlon Saunder. Claimed to have killed the Lynchpin a few ago." Milo said hoping to jog the H.E.R.P.E.S. Agent's memory.

There was silence on the other end. Milo knew someone was still there, he could here typing on the other end.

"Oh! Yes, how is the old buzzard?"

"Fine. He has a question."

"What?"

Milo pause & then in all seriousness asked "What size of pants does Count Fokker take?"

There was silence on the other end. Milo wasn't sure if they had hung up or not.

"Hello? Hello? Are you still there?" Milo asked.

"Yes. Yes. I'm still here. I'm not sure why He would need to know that."

"The Crime Chicken wants to send the Count a pair of pants for his upcoming Birthday."

"That's in 8 months."

"Oh. Well, you may not know this but the Crime Chicken always likes to send his presents 8 months early." Milo lied. "He's wacky that way."

"Sure, he is." The Agent said & then told Milo the measurements he needed. Apparently Fokker is a fan of the low rise.

"Thanks."

"Sure. No problem." The Agent said & then hung up.

Milo did too.

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TO BE CONTINUED....



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